Holidays are suppose to be filled with laughter, fun, and most importantly your family. Holidays aren't the same for me since loosing my first born son tragically in a fire 7yrs ago. I have to put on a smile no matter how i feel on the inside because i have two more boys and they didn't know their older brother..he died before they were born. But i on the other hand knew him and loved him and my heart aches so badly inside without him here with me. Feels like no matter how hard i try to make the best of the holidays for the sake of my other two children, on the inside im broken. A big piece of my heart is gone and can never be replaced,holidays aren't the same, life ain't the same. I should have 3 beautiful boys here with me..but only have two of them. You would think it would get easier after 7yrs..it doesn't. You NEVER get over loosing your child. You aren't suppose to bury your children, they are suppose to bury you. Making matters worse this Christmas, seeing all those beautiful children at #SandyHook school die. I cried for them parents..not only for the innocent lives taken to soon but because i too know what it feels like to loose a child in a unexpected tragic way. My heart aches for them. I pray for them. I cried like it was my son that died in that school. I guess it took me back to when my son died tragically. My son died in a different way but doesn't matter the way the child dies, i can relate to the pain and heartbreak from loosing a child period. I don't believe you ever get over it. I know i haven't. I still feel like something is missing from my life. A big piece of my heart is gone. They say time will heal the wounds of a broken heart..maybe with love that may be true but not when your heart is broken from loosing a child. :(
Friday, December 21, 2012
Holidays are hard still for me
Holidays are suppose to be filled with laughter, fun, and most importantly your family. Holidays aren't the same for me since loosing my first born son tragically in a fire 7yrs ago. I have to put on a smile no matter how i feel on the inside because i have two more boys and they didn't know their older brother..he died before they were born. But i on the other hand knew him and loved him and my heart aches so badly inside without him here with me. Feels like no matter how hard i try to make the best of the holidays for the sake of my other two children, on the inside im broken. A big piece of my heart is gone and can never be replaced,holidays aren't the same, life ain't the same. I should have 3 beautiful boys here with me..but only have two of them. You would think it would get easier after 7yrs..it doesn't. You NEVER get over loosing your child. You aren't suppose to bury your children, they are suppose to bury you. Making matters worse this Christmas, seeing all those beautiful children at #SandyHook school die. I cried for them parents..not only for the innocent lives taken to soon but because i too know what it feels like to loose a child in a unexpected tragic way. My heart aches for them. I pray for them. I cried like it was my son that died in that school. I guess it took me back to when my son died tragically. My son died in a different way but doesn't matter the way the child dies, i can relate to the pain and heartbreak from loosing a child period. I don't believe you ever get over it. I know i haven't. I still feel like something is missing from my life. A big piece of my heart is gone. They say time will heal the wounds of a broken heart..maybe with love that may be true but not when your heart is broken from loosing a child. :(
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Objects of Facination
Children with Autism usually have objects of facination..my sons is bubbles, water, balls, and balloons. These things trigger him to go crazy..his favorite gift for his 3rd birthday were a bundle of balloons..he didnt care about any other of the gifts..we told a friend to get him a bundle of balloons for his birthday..he absolutely loved them and played with them all day and night and the next morning..we keep balloons in the car, in my purse etc..because when he see's a balloon in public ,at the grocery, on a sale sign, or at a car sales lot,anywhere there are balloons,he goes absolutely crazy screaming for them and does not stop until he gets a balloon in his hand. Its more of a obsession.Here is a pic from his birthday of him and his balloons.My boys
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Face of Autism
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Update on my son starting school
So my son who is 3 and has Autism has started preschool and has been going a few weeks now..he seems to like it..he cant tell me verbally he likes it but he seems excited when his bus pulls up to get him..he flaps his hands in excitement..he grabs on to the rail and climbs the steps of the bus and goes right to his seat..makes me feel alot better about him going to school. God always has ways of working things out. It eases my mind that he seems to willingly want to go. I was for sure he would be screaming and clinching onto me and not want to go, he is very close to me, but boy was i wrong. Complete opposite..he seems to want to go..maybe he likes being around the other children..I wish he could verbally tell me how he feels about school..i hold on to hopes and pray that one day he can. I think i had more anxiety over him going to school than he did. Cant wait to see how this goes and if he starts picking up things from the other children that he didnt know how to do previously..only time will tell. Until then i pray every night over him and i put it in gods hands.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
HAPPY HALLOWEEN
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Worried
So i took my son who is almost 3 to be tested, because his therapy ends when he turns 3 through the first steps program he is in...they want to put him in a preschool program to continue early intervention the day after his 3rd birthday. They said he tested low on almost everything, a few things he did ok on, they put him in the mild Autism catergory and said that he does qualify to go to school early.
I am so worried about him going to school..They want to put him in a regular school..with normal children when he isn't like other children.He has no means to communicate, he doesn't talk nor does he know sign language, i have been trying to teach him but he doesn't watch you to learn, children with Autism don't look at you, so its hard to teach sign language to them. Not saying that is the case with all children on the Spectrum of Autism because every child with Autism is different, they may have some of the same characteristic behaviors but each child is different who has Autism.(wanted to clarify) Its frustrating that i cant get him to look at me to teach him sign language. I may get lucky and get a second or two of eye contact every now and then..but not enough to learn what i am trying to teach him.
It worry's me that he cant tell me if someone was mean to him or someone hurt him. And that he takes off and doesn't respond to you yelling his name, he would very easily run out in front of a car, he doesn't know or understand danger. He puts things in his mouth he shouldn't and could choke, are they going to be able to watch him and his every action, along with 19 other children in the classroom who are active, normal children? I read stories all the time on the internet about disabled children getting abused..Have you read that book "Mom i wish i could tell you what they did to me in school today"? O.M.G. ..i am really worried and a little bit freaking out about him going to school!
Alot of me being a overprotective mother is me loosing my first son tragically..It has made me a very paranoid person when it comes to my kids.Especially Matthew who is just about to turn 3 and who has non verbal Autism. I just got married in April and i took my son with me on my honeymoon, i wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself if i didn't. Am i being to paranoid when worrying about my son going to school? I would love some feedback.
They feel he would strive the best being around normal functioning children. So he will learn how he is suppose to act, he will watch them and learn. Because i suggested maybe he should be put in a school with other children with Autism..they said they feel that we should at least see how he is gonna do for the rest of this school year. They want to observe his behavior and see if he learns and participates and see if he will engaged and function in a normal classroom first.I think i am going to worry myself to death when he starts school in less than a month! Anyone feedback is appreciated, thank you!
I am so worried about him going to school..They want to put him in a regular school..with normal children when he isn't like other children.He has no means to communicate, he doesn't talk nor does he know sign language, i have been trying to teach him but he doesn't watch you to learn, children with Autism don't look at you, so its hard to teach sign language to them. Not saying that is the case with all children on the Spectrum of Autism because every child with Autism is different, they may have some of the same characteristic behaviors but each child is different who has Autism.(wanted to clarify) Its frustrating that i cant get him to look at me to teach him sign language. I may get lucky and get a second or two of eye contact every now and then..but not enough to learn what i am trying to teach him.
It worry's me that he cant tell me if someone was mean to him or someone hurt him. And that he takes off and doesn't respond to you yelling his name, he would very easily run out in front of a car, he doesn't know or understand danger. He puts things in his mouth he shouldn't and could choke, are they going to be able to watch him and his every action, along with 19 other children in the classroom who are active, normal children? I read stories all the time on the internet about disabled children getting abused..Have you read that book "Mom i wish i could tell you what they did to me in school today"? O.M.G. ..i am really worried and a little bit freaking out about him going to school!
Alot of me being a overprotective mother is me loosing my first son tragically..It has made me a very paranoid person when it comes to my kids.Especially Matthew who is just about to turn 3 and who has non verbal Autism. I just got married in April and i took my son with me on my honeymoon, i wouldn't have been able to enjoy myself if i didn't. Am i being to paranoid when worrying about my son going to school? I would love some feedback.
They feel he would strive the best being around normal functioning children. So he will learn how he is suppose to act, he will watch them and learn. Because i suggested maybe he should be put in a school with other children with Autism..they said they feel that we should at least see how he is gonna do for the rest of this school year. They want to observe his behavior and see if he learns and participates and see if he will engaged and function in a normal classroom first.I think i am going to worry myself to death when he starts school in less than a month! Anyone feedback is appreciated, thank you!
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The Pain Within Me
The pain doesn't ever go away when you loose a child, its something you must live with everyday..since loosing my first son tragically i have had 2 more boys..Who i love and adore more than anything or anyone. They saved me, i am not sure i would be here if it wasn't for my boys. They give me reason to stay strong and give me reason to want to live again. I slipped into a very deep depression after loosing my son, i had thoughts of suicide, he was my only child at the time, he was my reason for waking up every morning, my whole world. I think about him every day that goes by, he would be 11 yrs old right now if he were here..i lost him a month shy of his 4th birthday.
I can still remember his sweet face, i remember him kissing me that morning before i left for work and telling me he loved me and to have a good day at work. And he said he wished i didn't have to go to work. I have pictures of him and memories of him but life isn't the same without him. I wonder what he would look like now, how tall he would be, what would his personality be like, what kind of cartoons or video games would he be into, how he would be doing in school, i have a thousand thoughts of questions that run through my mind everyday..my boys i have with me now never had a chance to meet him, i have talked about him to my almost 6yr old because he has asked me questions about pictures of his older brother he has seen, i told him he had a older brother that had a bad accident, that his brother was playing with a candle lighter and caught his room on fire and he died and now he is in heaven. I don't know if that is the wrong or right way to tell him..its hard to explain death to a child of his age and them understand. He knows something bad happened to his big brother because he played with a candle lighter..he isn't sure about the him dying part..He ask how can his brother be under ground (at the graveyard) and up in heaven.
It hurts that my boys cant grow up with their older brother. Hurts that i have a piece of my heart missing and will for the rest of my life. It hurts me to see parents abusing their children and mistreating them and taking for granted that they have children at all. Children are a blessing!!
I now have my two boys to take care of and to be strong for and even when i feel like crying or having a breakdown i have to keep a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok and that mommy is fine even tho i am dying on the inside , my boys wouldn't understand why mommy was crying, they were not around to know why. So i wear my happy mask to hide the pain behind my eyes and in my heart.
I stay busy with my boys, i do not have much time for grieving, i have a son who is almost 6yrs old who suffers from Adhd and a son who is almost 3 yrs old who suffers Autism. They keep me really busy. My almost 6 yr old sons Adhd medication keeps him calm for the most part/sometimes. But there is no cure or medication or much help for Autism. My baby has non verbal Autism, that is now another big depression area in my life, he was just diagnosed right after his 2nd birthday. It broke my heart. I was now convinced that God hated me, first i loose my first born son in a fire tragically, out of nowhere, when i was a great mother to him, for no explained reason, and now my baby being diagnosed with Autism, I had never heard of Autism until my son was diagnosed with it, I was really upset and crying like they told me my son had six months to live, I was freaking out! I knew something was wrong in my heart for at least 6 months before he was diagnosed, but you don't want to think there is something wrong with your child, i was in denial about it. He wasn't responding when you called his name, he wasn't looking anyone in the eyes, he didn't notice anyone around him,he wasn't talking or pointing, he wasn't or wouldn't play with other children, not even his own brother. He was in his own little world. He would spin in circles looking at the ceiling fan, flap his hands out of excitement, eat things he shouldn't and still does, he also Sensory Processing Disorder.
My son with Autism because of his Sensory Processing Disorder wont eat certain textured foods like, mashed potatoes, pudding, yogurt,etc.. Ive tried putting pudding in his mouth thinking "if he just tasted it he would like it" he threw up, he literally cant eat those textured foods..A child with sensory processing disorder usually has very sensitive senses to sound, touch, taste, feel, and they can be irritated by certain material clothing or tags in clothing.He doesnt understand much of what i say to him. He doesn't interact much with anyone.He puts things in his mouth still as a baby just beginning to crawl that he shouldnt because of his sensory problems. He refuses to eat with a utensil. He has no idea what i am wanting him to do when i am trying to get him to pee on the potty because he is getting so big that he is urniating so much that he is exploding his diapers and soaking his clothes..He cant communicate his wants or needs at all except for to scream. Its very frustrating for him because he cant say what he wants and frustrating for me and his father because we don't know why he is screaming or what he wants. We have to try our best to figure it out. Loud noises scare him to death..he is very sensitive to sound, if the t.v. is too loud he will not go in that room.He plucks his stuffed animals, i think this is a Autism stem, he enjoys it, he (everyday) plucks them and puts the fur from the stuffed animals everywhere..my couch, floor, tables, everywhere! I cant stop him from doing this, when i took all the stuffed animals away from him he then started reaching under my couch and pulling out the stuffing and putting it everywhere..so i gave the stuffed animals back to save my couch :) He also has a stem or obsession with tearing up dryer sheets, paper towels, toilet paper, aluminum foil, etc..into tiny little pieces and spreading them all over the floor, he tears them up in a billion, tiny, pieces and then grabs a handful and then drops them in front of his eyes to watch them fall. He picks grass and drops it in front of his eyes, mulch at the park, etc..something about watching it fall in front of his eyes he likes..he really enjoys doing it..But its frustrating for me because he makes messes all day long, i vacuum at least 3 times everyday and have to keep all things out of his reach that he can shred up.
And there is not much you can do for Autism but therapy. He is seeing 3 therapist a wk. What really hurts is not knowing if my son will ever talk, or be able to communicate or live by himself or be able to take care of himself. It breaks my heart! Not only do i have the heart break of loosing my first son tragically but now my last baby i am ever gonna have has Autism. Some children with Autism improve and some twirl a string around their finger all day in a daze and they stay in their own world and don't ever talk and cant take care of them self or live alone. It drives me crazy not knowing the outcome of my son having Autism.
I was hoping to help someone else realize they don't have such a bad life after all or maybe a mother who doesn't realize that children are a blessing will read this and go hold there child in a deep embracing hug and kiss them and tell them they love them and appreciate that they have them. If so then writing this was worth my time. I wish with all my heart i could do that just one more time with my first son, but cant. All in all i love my kids, no matter what, they are my reason for living, and i will do whatever it takes to give them the best life i possibly can for as long as i am alive. And for my son who has Autism, I will pray every day and every night that God will heal him and that one day he will talk and be able to communicate, one day i will hear him say he loves me back. I will never give up hope or give up on God. This is my life, nobody know why they are dealt the cards they are dealt..or why things happen the way they do, but this is what i have so i must make it work and be the best mom i can be to my kids and appreciate that i have them because i know and understand what it feels like to bury a child.
I am very New to this Blogging, i have had interest in blogging for a while but never acted on it, i finally said "I'm gonna do it" so here it is. I know its nowhere near perfect, probably isn't even great or even good but i can at least say i gave it a shot. You never get anywhere if you don't at least try.
I can still remember his sweet face, i remember him kissing me that morning before i left for work and telling me he loved me and to have a good day at work. And he said he wished i didn't have to go to work. I have pictures of him and memories of him but life isn't the same without him. I wonder what he would look like now, how tall he would be, what would his personality be like, what kind of cartoons or video games would he be into, how he would be doing in school, i have a thousand thoughts of questions that run through my mind everyday..my boys i have with me now never had a chance to meet him, i have talked about him to my almost 6yr old because he has asked me questions about pictures of his older brother he has seen, i told him he had a older brother that had a bad accident, that his brother was playing with a candle lighter and caught his room on fire and he died and now he is in heaven. I don't know if that is the wrong or right way to tell him..its hard to explain death to a child of his age and them understand. He knows something bad happened to his big brother because he played with a candle lighter..he isn't sure about the him dying part..He ask how can his brother be under ground (at the graveyard) and up in heaven.
It hurts that my boys cant grow up with their older brother. Hurts that i have a piece of my heart missing and will for the rest of my life. It hurts me to see parents abusing their children and mistreating them and taking for granted that they have children at all. Children are a blessing!!
I now have my two boys to take care of and to be strong for and even when i feel like crying or having a breakdown i have to keep a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok and that mommy is fine even tho i am dying on the inside , my boys wouldn't understand why mommy was crying, they were not around to know why. So i wear my happy mask to hide the pain behind my eyes and in my heart.
I stay busy with my boys, i do not have much time for grieving, i have a son who is almost 6yrs old who suffers from Adhd and a son who is almost 3 yrs old who suffers Autism. They keep me really busy. My almost 6 yr old sons Adhd medication keeps him calm for the most part/sometimes. But there is no cure or medication or much help for Autism. My baby has non verbal Autism, that is now another big depression area in my life, he was just diagnosed right after his 2nd birthday. It broke my heart. I was now convinced that God hated me, first i loose my first born son in a fire tragically, out of nowhere, when i was a great mother to him, for no explained reason, and now my baby being diagnosed with Autism, I had never heard of Autism until my son was diagnosed with it, I was really upset and crying like they told me my son had six months to live, I was freaking out! I knew something was wrong in my heart for at least 6 months before he was diagnosed, but you don't want to think there is something wrong with your child, i was in denial about it. He wasn't responding when you called his name, he wasn't looking anyone in the eyes, he didn't notice anyone around him,he wasn't talking or pointing, he wasn't or wouldn't play with other children, not even his own brother. He was in his own little world. He would spin in circles looking at the ceiling fan, flap his hands out of excitement, eat things he shouldn't and still does, he also Sensory Processing Disorder.
My son with Autism because of his Sensory Processing Disorder wont eat certain textured foods like, mashed potatoes, pudding, yogurt,etc.. Ive tried putting pudding in his mouth thinking "if he just tasted it he would like it" he threw up, he literally cant eat those textured foods..A child with sensory processing disorder usually has very sensitive senses to sound, touch, taste, feel, and they can be irritated by certain material clothing or tags in clothing.He doesnt understand much of what i say to him. He doesn't interact much with anyone.He puts things in his mouth still as a baby just beginning to crawl that he shouldnt because of his sensory problems. He refuses to eat with a utensil. He has no idea what i am wanting him to do when i am trying to get him to pee on the potty because he is getting so big that he is urniating so much that he is exploding his diapers and soaking his clothes..He cant communicate his wants or needs at all except for to scream. Its very frustrating for him because he cant say what he wants and frustrating for me and his father because we don't know why he is screaming or what he wants. We have to try our best to figure it out. Loud noises scare him to death..he is very sensitive to sound, if the t.v. is too loud he will not go in that room.He plucks his stuffed animals, i think this is a Autism stem, he enjoys it, he (everyday) plucks them and puts the fur from the stuffed animals everywhere..my couch, floor, tables, everywhere! I cant stop him from doing this, when i took all the stuffed animals away from him he then started reaching under my couch and pulling out the stuffing and putting it everywhere..so i gave the stuffed animals back to save my couch :) He also has a stem or obsession with tearing up dryer sheets, paper towels, toilet paper, aluminum foil, etc..into tiny little pieces and spreading them all over the floor, he tears them up in a billion, tiny, pieces and then grabs a handful and then drops them in front of his eyes to watch them fall. He picks grass and drops it in front of his eyes, mulch at the park, etc..something about watching it fall in front of his eyes he likes..he really enjoys doing it..But its frustrating for me because he makes messes all day long, i vacuum at least 3 times everyday and have to keep all things out of his reach that he can shred up.
And there is not much you can do for Autism but therapy. He is seeing 3 therapist a wk. What really hurts is not knowing if my son will ever talk, or be able to communicate or live by himself or be able to take care of himself. It breaks my heart! Not only do i have the heart break of loosing my first son tragically but now my last baby i am ever gonna have has Autism. Some children with Autism improve and some twirl a string around their finger all day in a daze and they stay in their own world and don't ever talk and cant take care of them self or live alone. It drives me crazy not knowing the outcome of my son having Autism.
I was hoping to help someone else realize they don't have such a bad life after all or maybe a mother who doesn't realize that children are a blessing will read this and go hold there child in a deep embracing hug and kiss them and tell them they love them and appreciate that they have them. If so then writing this was worth my time. I wish with all my heart i could do that just one more time with my first son, but cant. All in all i love my kids, no matter what, they are my reason for living, and i will do whatever it takes to give them the best life i possibly can for as long as i am alive. And for my son who has Autism, I will pray every day and every night that God will heal him and that one day he will talk and be able to communicate, one day i will hear him say he loves me back. I will never give up hope or give up on God. This is my life, nobody know why they are dealt the cards they are dealt..or why things happen the way they do, but this is what i have so i must make it work and be the best mom i can be to my kids and appreciate that i have them because i know and understand what it feels like to bury a child.
I am very New to this Blogging, i have had interest in blogging for a while but never acted on it, i finally said "I'm gonna do it" so here it is. I know its nowhere near perfect, probably isn't even great or even good but i can at least say i gave it a shot. You never get anywhere if you don't at least try.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Worst day of my life
Seven yrs ago on July 7th 2005 was the worst day of my life.I was at work, nothing was going right, i had a bunch a people call in on me, me being in management at the time put alot more work and stress on me. So i was having a bad morning that would later turn into the worst day of my life..Around 9:45 in the morning my neighbor come running in my work yelling at me that my house was on fire and that my son Richard was trapped inside. Took me a minute to get what she just said, i think i was in shock, she grabbed me and we took off running to her car. I could see the look of being terrified on her face, i could see in her eyes that it was bad. She didnt say nothing on our way to my house, we couldnt get to my street, it was blocked off by fire department, ambulances, coroner, the news channels..it was a nightmare. I jumped out and took off running to my house, the fire department men wouldnt let me inside the building. "I remember screaming "my baby is in there" and trying to fight them to get through. Its a horrible feeling knowing your child is in a burning house and you cant get to them. Several police officers grabbed me and walked me across the street, i sit there as if in a daze, wanting to be woke up from what i thought was a nightmare..watching my house on fire, knowing my 3yr old son was inside..my heart in my stomach. A woman police officer walked towards me, she looked sad, she looked as if she were going to cry, she didnt have to say what she was trying to bravely say to me, i knew my son was dead by the look on her face, and she was trying to be strong when telling me. I now can look back and imagine how hard it must be to tell someone their child is dead. She approached me and said "Is there someone i can call for you, your going to need someone here for you right now", i dropped to my knees and started crying, feeling faint, feeling like i could throw up, praying this was all a bad dream..I passed out, next thing i remember is a priest holding my hand praying "As we walk through the shadows of the valley of death"... I was in the back of a ambulance with oxygen mask on me and through the little ambulance window i could still see smoke coming from my windows of my house..realizing now that this wasn't a dream. I lost my son..it was on the news for days, 3yr old boy perishes in fire, still hard to believe it was my little boy. Still in a state of shock..i just seen him the morning i went to work, he told me he loved me and told me to have a nice day at work..he was a vibrate, smart, handsome, healthy boy..he wasn't suppose to die..he didn't get a chance to live his life. My sister took care of my sons funeral arrangements, i was so severely depressed i couldnt do it. The whole reason for me writing this is to explain my situation and to let mothers know tragedy happens..i was one that thought that it wouldnt happen to me, i was a loving, hard working, great mother and didn't deserve for my son to die but for some reason god called him home, cherish every minute of every day that you have to spend with your beautiful children, you never know when god will call them home.That's my Angel with me in picture above, taken 5 months before he died.
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