The pain doesn't ever go away when you loose a child, its something you must live with everyday..since loosing my first son tragically i have had 2 more boys..Who i love and adore more than anything or anyone. They saved me, i am not sure i would be here if it wasn't for my boys. They give me reason to stay strong and give me reason to want to live again. I slipped into a very deep depression after loosing my son, i had thoughts of suicide, he was my only child at the time, he was my reason for waking up every morning, my whole world. I think about him every day that goes by, he would be 11 yrs old right now if he were here..i lost him a month shy of his 4th birthday.
I can still remember his sweet face, i remember him kissing me that morning before i left for work and telling me he loved me and to have a good day at work. And he said he wished i didn't have to go to work. I have pictures of him and memories of him but life isn't the same without him. I wonder what he would look like now, how tall he would be, what would his personality be like, what kind of cartoons or video games would he be into, how he would be doing in school, i have a thousand thoughts of questions that run through my mind everyday..my boys i have with me now never had a chance to meet him, i have talked about him to my almost 6yr old because he has asked me questions about pictures of his older brother he has seen, i told him he had a older brother that had a bad accident, that his brother was playing with a candle lighter and caught his room on fire and he died and now he is in heaven. I don't know if that is the wrong or right way to tell him..its hard to explain death to a child of his age and them understand. He knows something bad happened to his big brother because he played with a candle lighter..he isn't sure about the him dying part..He ask how can his brother be under ground (at the graveyard) and up in heaven.
It hurts that my boys cant grow up with their older brother. Hurts that i have a piece of my heart missing and will for the rest of my life. It hurts me to see parents abusing their children and mistreating them and taking for granted that they have children at all. Children are a blessing!!
I now have my two boys to take care of and to be strong for and even when i feel like crying or having a breakdown i have to keep a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok and that mommy is fine even tho i am dying on the inside , my boys wouldn't understand why mommy was crying, they were not around to know why. So i wear my happy mask to hide the pain behind my eyes and in my heart.
I stay busy with my boys, i do not have much time for grieving, i have a son who is almost 6yrs old who suffers from Adhd and a son who is almost 3 yrs old who suffers Autism. They keep me really busy. My almost 6 yr old sons Adhd medication keeps him calm for the most part/sometimes. But there is no cure or medication or much help for Autism. My baby has non verbal Autism, that is now another big depression area in my life, he was just diagnosed right after his 2nd birthday. It broke my heart. I was now convinced that God hated me, first i loose my first born son in a fire tragically, out of nowhere, when i was a great mother to him, for no explained reason, and now my baby being diagnosed with Autism, I had never heard of Autism until my son was diagnosed with it, I was really upset and crying like they told me my son had six months to live, I was freaking out! I knew something was wrong in my heart for at least 6 months before he was diagnosed, but you don't want to think there is something wrong with your child, i was in denial about it. He wasn't responding when you called his name, he wasn't looking anyone in the eyes, he didn't notice anyone around him,he wasn't talking or pointing, he wasn't or wouldn't play with other children, not even his own brother. He was in his own little world. He would spin in circles looking at the ceiling fan, flap his hands out of excitement, eat things he shouldn't and still does, he also Sensory Processing Disorder.
My son with Autism because of his Sensory Processing Disorder wont eat certain textured foods like, mashed potatoes, pudding, yogurt,etc.. Ive tried putting pudding in his mouth thinking "if he just tasted it he would like it" he threw up, he literally cant eat those textured foods..A child with sensory processing disorder usually has very sensitive senses to sound, touch, taste, feel, and they can be irritated by certain material clothing or tags in clothing.He doesnt understand much of what i say to him. He doesn't interact much with anyone.He puts things in his mouth still as a baby just beginning to crawl that he shouldnt because of his sensory problems. He refuses to eat with a utensil. He has no idea what i am wanting him to do when i am trying to get him to pee on the potty because he is getting so big that he is urniating so much that he is exploding his diapers and soaking his clothes..He cant communicate his wants or needs at all except for to scream. Its very frustrating for him because he cant say what he wants and frustrating for me and his father because we don't know why he is screaming or what he wants. We have to try our best to figure it out. Loud noises scare him to death..he is very sensitive to sound, if the t.v. is too loud he will not go in that room.He plucks his stuffed animals, i think this is a Autism stem, he enjoys it, he (everyday) plucks them and puts the fur from the stuffed animals everywhere..my couch, floor, tables, everywhere! I cant stop him from doing this, when i took all the stuffed animals away from him he then started reaching under my couch and pulling out the stuffing and putting it everywhere..so i gave the stuffed animals back to save my couch :) He also has a stem or obsession with tearing up dryer sheets, paper towels, toilet paper, aluminum foil, etc..into tiny little pieces and spreading them all over the floor, he tears them up in a billion, tiny, pieces and then grabs a handful and then drops them in front of his eyes to watch them fall. He picks grass and drops it in front of his eyes, mulch at the park, etc..something about watching it fall in front of his eyes he likes..he really enjoys doing it..But its frustrating for me because he makes messes all day long, i vacuum at least 3 times everyday and have to keep all things out of his reach that he can shred up.
And there is not much you can do for Autism but therapy. He is seeing 3 therapist a wk. What really hurts is not knowing if my son will ever talk, or be able to communicate or live by himself or be able to take care of himself. It breaks my heart! Not only do i have the heart break of loosing my first son tragically but now my last baby i am ever gonna have has Autism. Some children with Autism improve and some twirl a string around their finger all day in a daze and they stay in their own world and don't ever talk and cant take care of them self or live alone. It drives me crazy not knowing the outcome of my son having Autism.
I was hoping to help someone else realize they don't have such a bad life after all or maybe a mother who doesn't realize that children are a blessing will read this and go hold there child in a deep embracing hug and kiss them and tell them they love them and appreciate that they have them. If so then writing this was worth my time. I wish with all my heart i could do that just one more time with my first son, but cant. All in all i love my kids, no matter what, they are my reason for living, and i will do whatever it takes to give them the best life i possibly can for as long as i am alive. And for my son who has Autism, I will pray every day and every night that God will heal him and that one day he will talk and be able to communicate, one day i will hear him say he loves me back. I will never give up hope or give up on God. This is my life, nobody know why they are dealt the cards they are dealt..or why things happen the way they do, but this is what i have so i must make it work and be the best mom i can be to my kids and appreciate that i have them because i know and understand what it feels like to bury a child.
I am very New to this Blogging, i have had interest in blogging for a while but never acted on it, i finally said "I'm gonna do it" so here it is. I know its nowhere near perfect, probably isn't even great or even good but i can at least say i gave it a shot. You never get anywhere if you don't at least try.
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