Holidays are hard still for me

Holidays are suppose to be filled with laughter, fun, and most importantly your family. Holidays aren't the same for me since loosing my first born son tragically in a fire 7yrs ago. I have to put on a smile no matter how i feel on the inside because i have two more boys and they didn't know their older brother..he died before they were born. But i on the other hand knew him and loved him and my heart aches so badly inside without him here with me. Feels like no matter how hard i try to make the best of the holidays for the sake of my other two children, on the inside im broken. A big piece of my heart is gone and can never be replaced,holidays aren't the same, life  ain't the same. I should have 3 beautiful boys here with me..but only have two of them. You would think it would get easier after 7yrs..it doesn't. You NEVER get over loosing your child. You aren't suppose to bury your children, they are suppose to bury you. Making matters worse this Christmas, seeing all those beautiful children at #SandyHook school die. I cried for them parents..not only for the innocent lives taken to soon but because i too know what it feels like to loose a child in a unexpected tragic way. My heart aches for them. I pray for them. I cried like it was my son that died in that school. I guess it took me back to when my son died tragically. My son died in a different way but doesn't matter the way the child dies, i can relate to the pain and heartbreak from loosing a child period. I don't believe you ever get over it. I know i haven't. I still feel like something is missing from my life. A big piece of my heart is gone. They say time will heal the wounds of  a broken heart..maybe with love that may be true but not when your heart is broken from loosing a child. :(

Objects of Facination

Children with Autism usually have objects of facination..my sons is bubbles, water, balls, and balloons. These things trigger him to go crazy..his favorite gift for his 3rd birthday were a bundle of balloons..he didnt care about any other of the gifts..we told a friend to get him a bundle of balloons for his birthday..he absolutely loved them and played with them all day and night and the next morning..we keep balloons in the car, in my purse etc..because when he see's a balloon in public ,at the grocery, on a sale sign, or at a car sales lot,anywhere there are balloons,he goes absolutely crazy screaming for them and does not stop until he gets a balloon in his hand. Its more of a obsession.Here is a pic from his birthday of him and his balloons.

My boys

Here are my two boys! My World! Love them more than life itself! Nicholas is the oldest and Matthew is my baby!

Autism Awareness

Face of Autism

Alot of people arent even aware what Autism is..a child with Autism doesnt look any different than any other child..they just few the world differently and have trouble communicating.Alot of people mistake them for being bad kids when they see them throwing a tantrum, or blame the parent for the way the child is acting...saying there is lack of  discipline for the child to behave the way they are..which is not the case at all.. Here is my precious son who has non-verbal Autism.He doesnt give you much eye contact. He flaps his hands when excited or over stimulated (very sensitive to sounds) and likes to spin in circles, and he also has SPD (sensory processing disorder) so he cant eat certain textures foods, like yogurt, mashed potatoes, pudding.. SPD usually goes along with Autism. He has little obsessions like balloons, balls, and bubbles..goes crazy when he sees them..he will throw a big tantrum over them..no way to control it or take his focus off of what it is he is obsessing over. He gets frustrated because he cant tell us what he needs or wants, which is frustrating for me and his dad too. It is hard for a child with Autism to learn..my son doesn't understand much of what you say to him..Our words dont make sense to a child with Autism..Our words our Blah, Blah, Blah, to them. I really wish people would stop judging children with Autism and the parents. Until you have walked the path and done the Journey into Autism you really dont have a clue.

Update on my son starting school

So my son who is 3 and has Autism has started preschool and has been going a few weeks now..he seems to like it..he cant tell me verbally he likes it but he seems excited when his bus pulls up to get him..he flaps his hands in excitement..he grabs on to the rail and climbs the steps of the bus and goes right to his seat..makes me feel alot better about him going to school. God always has ways of working things out. It eases my mind that he seems to willingly want to go. I was for sure he would be screaming and clinching onto me and not want to go, he is very close to me, but boy was i wrong. Complete opposite..he seems to want to go..maybe he likes being around the other children..I wish he could verbally tell me how he feels about school..i hold  on to hopes and pray that one day he can. I think i had more anxiety over him going to school than he did. Cant wait to see how this goes and if he starts picking up things from the other children that he didnt know how to do previously..only time will tell. Until then i pray every night over him and i put it in gods hands.