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July 7th 2013 My Son has been gone 8 years

My son died 8yrs ago July 7th 2005, he was playing with a candle lighter and caught his room on fire and he got trapped in his room and he parished in the fire..he was 3yrs old, a month shy from his 4th birthday. I have not visited his grave in 6 years..it breaks me down so very badly..puts me in such a deep depression..it is the hardest thing in the entire world to look down to see your precious childs name on a stone on the ground..no mother should have to endure the pain with loosing a child..sadly i had no choice, it was in my cards, i lost my baby, only god knows why. I have to be strong for my 2 boys i have now with me to take care of, so i find it easier to avoid going to his grave, avoid where it puts me emotionally..
I was sad this July 7th like i normally am, mourning the death of my first born son..this being the day he died on..my son Nicholas ask me alot of questions, he is 6yrs old, and he ask if i will take him and let him see where his brother is buried...He never met his older brother..but was so curious about him and ask lots of questions and said he wish he could have met him..it breaks my heart..So i took him to the grave site where my first son is buried after 6yrs of not going to the site because of the emotional breakdown i have when i do go..I cried so hard..the pain was so deep, i felt as if i was having a heart attack, had a lump in my throat and couldnt swallow, felt like i could not get my breath..i think i was having a big anxiety attack..I could not hold back what was happening..my son didnt quit understand the concept of my sons body being in the ground, but how he is in heaven..i was trying to explain the soul is in heaven while the body is in the ground while bawling my eyes out so hard i could barely get out the words..i had to leave..i felt faint. It never gets easier..it has been 8years since i lost my precious son and the pain is still as strong as if it happened yesterday..I miss him so much..I dont wish this pain on anyone. RIP my little Man  8-16-2001 to 7-7-2005 :(  The only thing that keeps me going is knowing one day i will die and go to heaven and be reunited with him again!

Happy 4th of July!

Wanted to wish everyone a Happy, Fun, And most importantly Safe 4th Of July!! It isn't my favorite holiday. I get depressed around 4th of July.. My first born son died 3 days after 4th of July. On July 7th, 2005 to be the exact day. Its something you never get over..you learn to live with what happened but never do you get over the loss of a child. I believe what made him play with a candle lighter in the first place was on the 4th of July he was watching his father light his sparklers and fireworks with a candle lighter and the fireworks lit up pretty..he was only 3yrs old and i guess thought he could make the candle lighter make pretty fireworks and he caught his room on fire and got trapped inside and he died. I haven't celebrated 4th of July in many years..since 2005,.I do take my 2 boys i have now each year to a family members house to see fireworks and for a family cookout to celebrate for the sake of my boys..but i don't feel much like celebrating honestly..its a sad time for me..Please stress to your little ones the dangers of lighters and keep them up from your children and out of their reach,keep them safe .. I would not wish on anyone what i went through with loosing my son in a fire at age 3,having to bury him,It was a nightmare and has scarred me for the rest of my life with a piece of my heart missing forever,well until we meet again in heaven..Everyone have a safe holiday! God Bless!

Holidays are hard still for me

Holidays are suppose to be filled with laughter, fun, and most importantly your family. Holidays aren't the same for me since loosing my first born son tragically in a fire 7yrs ago. I have to put on a smile no matter how i feel on the inside because i have two more boys and they didn't know their older brother..he died before they were born. But i on the other hand knew him and loved him and my heart aches so badly inside without him here with me. Feels like no matter how hard i try to make the best of the holidays for the sake of my other two children, on the inside im broken. A big piece of my heart is gone and can never be replaced,holidays aren't the same, life  ain't the same. I should have 3 beautiful boys here with me..but only have two of them. You would think it would get easier after 7yrs..it doesn't. You NEVER get over loosing your child. You aren't suppose to bury your children, they are suppose to bury you. Making matters worse this Christmas, seeing all those beautiful children at #SandyHook school die. I cried for them parents..not only for the innocent lives taken to soon but because i too know what it feels like to loose a child in a unexpected tragic way. My heart aches for them. I pray for them. I cried like it was my son that died in that school. I guess it took me back to when my son died tragically. My son died in a different way but doesn't matter the way the child dies, i can relate to the pain and heartbreak from loosing a child period. I don't believe you ever get over it. I know i haven't. I still feel like something is missing from my life. A big piece of my heart is gone. They say time will heal the wounds of  a broken heart..maybe with love that may be true but not when your heart is broken from loosing a child. :(

Objects of Facination

Children with Autism usually have objects of facination..my sons is bubbles, water, balls, and balloons. These things trigger him to go crazy..his favorite gift for his 3rd birthday were a bundle of balloons..he didnt care about any other of the gifts..we told a friend to get him a bundle of balloons for his birthday..he absolutely loved them and played with them all day and night and the next morning..we keep balloons in the car, in my purse etc..because when he see's a balloon in public ,at the grocery, on a sale sign, or at a car sales lot,anywhere there are balloons,he goes absolutely crazy screaming for them and does not stop until he gets a balloon in his hand. Its more of a obsession.Here is a pic from his birthday of him and his balloons.

My boys

Here are my two boys! My World! Love them more than life itself! Nicholas is the oldest and Matthew is my baby!

Autism Awareness